Can’t Take or Won’t Take?

I was on the phone with an almost flame.  

We had tried dating but I realized before he did that we could barely be friends, much less a couple. So I had told him I needed space. He didn’t agree with my decision, and even though he was trying his best to give me space, he couldn’t help telling me things that he really had no business telling me as a friend.

As we spoke, I realized this would be another one of those conversations where I would have to set him straight. I’m not the type to lead a man on. I waited patiently for him to finish telling me the intricate details of his latest business plan.

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Uncertainty In A Bottle

“I don’t know who you want me to be Lord.”

I get frightened when I think about myself. Who am I? Where am I in the journey? How much further? What will I end up doing with my life? I don’t have answers to any of these questions, and it seems like so many other people do.

Do you have random moments at night or in the middle of the afternoon when you just sob in the safety of your room? Because I do. Then I wipe my face and go to bed. Or maybe pray. It’s just too much once in a while. My brain goes fuzzy and I don’t know how to hold myself anymore. So I cry. Not the cute teardrops running down your face kind. Nope. The body-shaking, face-squeezing, breath-taking kind that makes it hard to swallow.

For as long as I can remember I have always been one of the last to bloom. I fight worry, but still it terrifies me that there is so little I really know.

In an interesting way though, all this fear and uncertainty makes me appreciate the things that I am sure of.

  • God loves me.
  • I have Jesus inside of me.
  • I have a home.
  • I have family.

And this isn’t even a God-promo post (there will be time for those). I’m just being real with you.

Even when I’m going through periods of drifting and distraction – times when my mind is telling me that there’s no point to anything at all – I remind myself of these things. I force myself to thank God for them. Remembering them grounds me.

Because without things like the sound of my father’s laughter and the constant renewing of my mind: I don’t know where I would be.

“Lord I don’t know who you want me to be. But in this moment right now, I am grateful that I’m okay and that you’re here with me.”

Satori: All The Risks I Will Take

Satori.

It’s a word with Buddhist origins that attempts to explain a moment of sudden awakening. You’ve probably had a satori. A rush of insight. When all the little pieces in your head rearrange themselves into a picture that you never realised was there.

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Give Yourself Room To Grow

You are lost in a heap of opinions, stories, pictures, gadgets, technology, change, responsibilities. In the middle of this social clutter: there is you.

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Five Good Thriller Books About Spies and Secret Intelligence

Some of the thickest plots are about secret intelligence. Government agencies, espionage, army missions, armed weapons, terrorism, assassination, technology… Books like that are filled with thrills, chills and more than a few blood-spills. The blood-spills they can keep, the juicy plot is my weakness.

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