Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

No one else is me.

A reminder goes off on my phone at 11:45pm everyday. It tells me:

Go to bed by 12:00 AM to get a full 5 hours of sleep

Whenever this notification pops up, I get a nasty jolt of anxiety. The rush of fear is like a shot to my brain. I know it’s time to start packing up whatever I’m doing, and for one electric second, I panic. Because I don’t want to. 

Shoutout to Marilyn (@mywalkhiswisdom) on Instagram. She put up a post about a week ago that put all of my feels from the past two months in words: 

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t h r i v e // we’re an entrepreneurial generation, obsessed with finding the next big thing that’ll take off and have us set for life. it’s great because it’s caused such a huge shift in social norms and led to phenomenons like Snapchat and Facebook – Evan Spiegel is currently the world’s youngest billionaire, and Mark Zuckerberg became the youngest self-made billionaire at 23! crazy! but it also means we’re a very competitive generation. being born with social media at our fingertips has led us to covet what we see and strive for more; we’re never satisfied. so when we’ve managed to dream up what feels like the best business idea ever, the one that’s going to revolutionise an industry, and then we see someone else putting the same idea into action, it’s sometimes intuitive to feel resentment. “how dare they? they’ve stolen from me!” never mind the fact that more often than not that person has no idea who you are! 😂 it can feel like we’ve been robbed – not only of an idea, but of the future we’d envisioned the idea manifesting for us. but one thing I’ve learnt is that there is space for all of us to thrive if your actions are fulfilling your purpose. in other words, are you starting said business because it’s the “done” thing? or are you doing it because you’ve noticed a way to monetise something that is already an innate passion of yours? I’ve noticed that those doing the latter tend to be worlds ahead when it comes to success. their sheer passion draws people towards them and their creation, and how could it not when it’s born of a purpose God has instilled within you? so next time I think about the business that’s going to change my life, I’ll ask myself (like the amazing @mariekondo) – does this idea spark joy? I don’t mean fleeting joy, I mean the kind of joy the lights you up and fulfils you – the kind of joy that can only come from living your purpose. or is it the future life in my mind’s eye that sparks joy? because if it’s the former, regardless of whether there are 5 or 50 similar businesses out there, my idea will be more sustainable. I encourage you to do the same. 💛 #poetry #poems #God #writersofinstagram #jesus #love #faith #bible #quotes

A post shared by marilyn • john 3:30 • (@mywalkhiswisdom) on

Being born with social media at our fingertips has led us to covet what we see and strive for more; we’re never satisfied. 

@mywalkhiswisdom

I’m never satisfied! I’m constantly holding up my goals and my progress to how other people are getting on and what they’ve accomplished. As soon as I decided I was going to be public about my faith, I started searching for Christian bloggers and Youtubers; and as soon as I saw the hundreds of talented people out there who had made so much progress, I became frantic to impress. 

After my first few months of playing catch-up, I was stretched thin and exhausted. I looked at a spread of what I had ‘created’ and it looked like nothing compared to how spent I felt. My confidence started to wilt and I almost gave up. Quitting is something I’ve been struggling with for years. I set lofty goals, start the project, compare my work to others and then give up. 

I call this cycle an illness, because it cripples me. I’ve given up on countless projects and dissapointed too many people because I panicked and thought of (or saw) something amazing that someone else had done. 

In a twisted way, the disease could control me. It made me covet what other people had worked for. And then when I began to work for it, it would yank me back and tell me I could never be like them. I pray everyday for grace. Because it took a lot of renewing and severing and cutting to get my self to the place where I am mentally today. 

I’m not like anyone else, and neither are you. There are many days when it’s still hard; but the mist is clearing and I’ve begun to reach into myself so that I can understand who I truly am. Not who the world tells me to be, or who I think I should be, but who God created me to be on earth.

I think when I finally understand that, what I was created for will be crystal clear to me. 

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