A reminder goes off on my phone at
Go to bed by 12:00 AM to get a full 5 hours of sleep
Whenever this notification pops up, I get a nasty jolt of anxiety. The rush of fear is like a shot to my brain. I know it’s time to start packing up whatever I’m doing, and for one electric second, I panic. Because I don’t want to.
Shoutout to Marilyn (@mywalkhiswisdom) on Instagram. She put up a post about a week ago that put all of my feels from the past two months in words:
Being born with social media at our fingertips has led us to covet what we see and strive for more; we’re never satisfied.@mywalkhiswisdom
I’m never satisfied! I’m constantly holding up my goals and my progress to how other people are getting on and what they’ve accomplished. As soon as I decided I was going to be public about my faith, I started searching for Christian bloggers and Youtubers; and as soon as I saw the hundreds of talented people out there who had made so much progress, I became frantic to impress.
After my first few months of playing catch-up, I was stretched thin and exhausted. I looked at a spread of what I had ‘created’ and it looked like nothing compared to how spent I felt. My confidence started to wilt and I almost gave up. Quitting is something I’ve been struggling with for years. I set lofty goals, start the project, compare my work to others and then give up.
I call this cycle an illness, because it cripples me. I’ve given up on countless projects and dissapointed too many people because I panicked and thought of (or saw) something amazing that someone else had done.
In a twisted way, the disease could control me. It made me covet what other people had worked for. And then when I began to work for it, it would yank me back and tell me I could never be like them. I pray everyday for grace. Because it took a lot of renewing and severing and cutting to get my self to the place where I am mentally today.
I’m not like anyone else, and neither are you. There are many days when it’s still hard; but the mist is clearing and I’ve begun to reach into myself so that I can understand who I truly am. Not who the world tells me to be, or who I think I should be, but who God created me to be on earth.
I think when I finally understand that, what I was created for will be crystal clear to me.